《僕が死のうと思ったのは》(romanji: Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa) is a song by Mika Nakashima. The title in English is “Once I Thought of Ending It for Good The Reason I Thought I’d Die”.

I’ve been a Mika fan since she sang “Find the Way”, the third ending theme for Mobile Suit Gundam SEED. Her performance in the live action movie Nana as the titular character, and the film’s theme song “Glamorous Sky” sealed her status as one of my favourite female Japanese singers alongside Ayumi Hamasaki.

Background

This was the closing song of her 2015 concert. She was diagnosed with patulous Eustachian tubes in both ears in 2010. In this live performance, you can see her trying to keep the beat with her feet because of her condition. And it was a heartfelt rendition that speaks of her emotions and how they resonated with the lyrics.

Below is a longer version without subtitles. It has segment before the singing where she gave a background of the song.

“Honestly, I was actually very surprised when I first received this song. However, after listening to the song, I was in tears when it ended. I felt my steeled heart softening instantly. This is a song that represents my deepest feelings. Everyone of you present definitely had a time where you were lost and depressed. Asking, ‘Why things never turn out as expected?’”

“Today, I’ll express everyone’s deepest feelings through this song. So, please listen to this song till the end.”

English translation

Title: Once I Thought of Ending It for Good The Reason I Thought I’d Die

The reason I thought I’d die is because black-tailed gulls chirped on a pier
Disappearing as they drifted over the waves, flying away and picking my past as they went
The reason I thought I’d die is because apricot blossoms bloomed on my birthday
Can I become the soil with dead bugs if I nap under the sunlight filtering through foliage?*

Mint candy, lighthouse at a fishing port, rusty arch bridge, abandoned bicycle
Before a stove at a wooden station house, my heart can’t set out anywhere
Today looks like yesterday, if we wanna change tomorrow we should change today
I know, I know… but…

The reason I thought I’d die is because my heart went blank
The reason I cry over being unsatisfied is surely because I want to be satisfied

The reason I thought I’d die is because my shoelaces got undone
I’m not good at making ties, the same goes with human relationships
The reason I thought I’d die is because the boy was gazing at me
I’m kneeling on the bed to apologise to myself that day

Dim-light of a computer, sounds of life coming from upstairs
Chimes of an intercom, the boy covering his ears in a birdcage
Don Quixote fighting with an invisible enemy in a six-mat room
Goal must be ugly anyway

The reason I thought I’d die is because I was called a cold person
The reason I cry over being loved is because I need to get to know the warmth of others

The reason I thought I’d die is because of your gentle laugh
The reason I only consider dying is because I am too serious to live on

The reason I thought I’d die is because I hadn’t met you yet
I fell in love with this world a little more where people like you were born
I will place a bit of my hope in this world where people like you live

Original lyrics in Romanji

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa umineko ga sanbashi de naitakara
Nami no manima ni ukande kieru kako mo tuibande tonde ike
Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa tanjoubi ni anzu no hana ga saitakara
Sono komorebi de utatane shitara mushi no shigai to tsuchi ni nareru ka na

Hakkaame gyokou no toudai sabita āchi-kyou suteta jitensha
Mokuzou no eki no sutoobu no mae de dokoni mo tabidatenai kokoro
Kyou wa marude kinou mitaida ashita o kaerunara kyou o kaenakya
Wakatteru wakatteru keredo

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa kokoro ga karappo ni nattakara
Mitasarenai to naite iru no wa kitto mitasaretai to negaukara

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa kutsuhimo ga hodoketa kara
Musubi naosu no wa nigatena nda yo hito to no tsunagari mo mata shikari
Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa shounen ga boku o mitsumete itakara
Beddo no ue de dogeza shi teru yo ano hi no boku ni gomen’nasai to

Pasokon no usu akari joukai no heya no seikatsu-on
Intāfon no chaimu no oto mimiwofusagu torikago no shounen
Mienaiteki to tatakatteru rokujouhitoma no donkihoute
Gouru wa douse hidoi mono sa

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa tsumetai hito to iwa retakara
Aisaretai to naite iru no wa hito no nukumori o shitte shimattakara

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa anata ga kirei ni waraukara
Shinu koto bakari kangaete shimau no wa kitto ikiru koto ni majime sugirukara

Boku ga shinou to omotta no wa mada anata ni deattenakattakara
Anata no youna hito ga umareta sekai o sukoshi suki ni natta yo

Anata no youna hito ga iki teru sekai ni sukoshi kitai suru yo

Original lyrics in Japanese

僕が死のうと思ったのは　ウミネコが桟橋で鳴いたから
波の随意に浮かんで消える　過去も啄ばんで飛んでいけ
僕が死のうと思ったのは　誕生日に杏の花が咲いたから
その木漏れ日でうたた寝したら　虫の死骸と土になれるかな

薄荷飴　漁港の灯台　錆びたアーチ橋　捨てた自転車
木造の駅のストーブの前で　どこにも旅立てない心
今日はまるで昨日みたいだ　明日を変えるなら今日を変えなきゃ
分かってる　分かってる　けれど

僕が死のうと思ったのは　心が空っぽになったから
満たされないと泣いているのは　きっと満たされたいと願うから

僕が死のうと思ったのは　靴紐が解けたから
結びなおすのは苦手なんだよ　人との繋がりもまた然り
僕が死のうと思ったのは　少年が僕を見つめていたから
ベッドの上で土下座してるよ　あの日の僕にごめんなさいと

パソコンの薄明かり　上階の部屋の生活音
インターフォンのチャイムの音　耳を塞ぐ鳥かごの少年
見えない敵と戦ってる　六畳一間のドンキホーテ
ゴールはどうせ醜いものさ

僕が死のうと思ったのは　冷たい人と言われたから
愛されたいと泣いているのは　人の温もりを知ってしまったから

僕が死のうと思ったのは　あなたが綺麗に笑うから
死ぬことばかり考えてしまうのは　きっと生きる事に真面目すぎるから

僕が死のうと思ったのは　まだあなたに出会ってなかったから
あなたのような人が生まれた　世界を少し好きになったよ

あなたのような人が生きてる　世界に少し期待するよ

Credits

English translation modified from:

• Kumonito.net (Site is dead, linked to archived page)
• Genius

Romanji lyrics: Beautiful Song Lyrics blog (Site is dead)

Kanji lyrics: Mojim.com

Changelog

12 July 2023 – Modified the English title and lyrics based on my interpretation of the Japanese meanings.

Footnotes

1. “Komorebi” is a Japanese word that is hard to translate. ↩︎